Student Crying Due To Separation

The First Days Of School Blues 

Children cry, period.  For this post, I will be addressing crying due to separating from the parent.  I will later attempt to cover the different ways a teacher can help a child through their tears in other situations (there can be a bunch!)

It is gut-wrenching to watch a small child struggle to separate from his/her parent during those first few weeks of school.  What’s worse for me is to watch a parent feed the child’s distress or simply not separating themselves from their child.  So this scenario is where we begin!  The child will be able to separate, in their own time, successfully as long as you can get the parent/caregiver on-board!

The “Walk Away” Talk

Here is a pretty average scenario: the parents have just signed up to start their child in school.  You are meeting them for the first time to talk briefly about the class, supplies, morning routines, and things.  This is your opportunity to do two things: 

1)      Assess whether the parents are actually ready for their child to go to school.  You will get the feeling of yes or no by the questions they ask you and their general demeanor.  If they are nervous and have a bazillion questions about the minutest details like does the school use lint-free toilet paper and can they remotely access the school’s security cameras…you have a pretty solid “no”, that they may not be comfortable yet with their little one leaving their nest.  On the other hand, if the parents seem confident (maybe even excited), and ask good general questions, you probably have parents who are ready to help their child take the next step on their road to independence.

a.       Why is this important??? Because if you have a “no” parent, you will have to put some extra time-in building their trust.  This means lots of extra communication about the child’s day and what the class is doing as a group.  Also, this may be a signal that they will also need extra help separating from their child.  Which is totally natural, and makes perfect sense for this parent.  Here is what you do…

2)      Have a brief conversation about separating and the first few weeks of school.  Be super honest that the child will cry, probably every day for several days up to and including a week or more.  Let them know the worst crying will be while the parent is within sight and the most important thing to do as a parent is walk away.  Give a tight hug at the door, a big kiss followed by a “have a wonderful day” in a cheery voice, and allow the teacher or the assistant to bring the child inside.

Next, assure them that a Montessori teacher’s first priority is to charm the children and we are VERY good at the art of distraction!  This is how we get the tears to stop.  The other students also help by offering hugs, glasses of water, and tissues.  It is very hard to convince a parent that the tears don’t last long, so please offer to call them or email as soon as the child is settled (I prefer a call so the parent can hear that their child is not crying).

That “Charming Part”: What’s That About?

It took me three school years to find the fool proof combination to stop the tears for brand new students…it’s a little silly, but I swear it is magical!  Are you ready?

Vanilla body spray and a kaleidoscope.  I hope you are smiling right now!  The vanilla makes you smell like cookies and you become instantly likeable and comforting to a three and four year old! I quote, “Miss Meg, you smell like goodies!” (I am not a fan of wearing fragrances, but on first days, I always do this!  You don’t need a ton, just a mist or two.)

The kaleidoscope I use is stained glass (so delicate) and is in a box lined with beautiful satin.  I whisper as I give the lesson on how to hold it and turn it.  The children instantly are careful and start to calm themselves as they look inside.  When they are finished, usually they will let me offer a few lessons to get them going in the environment.

There you have it! Three ingredients to help separating, the “walk away” talk, vanilla body spray, and a kaleidoscope.